


Keep Your Secrets Under Lock And Key

by GoofyGoldenGirl



Category: Original Work, Thor (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Birthday, Birthday Party, Character Development, Christmas concert, Dysfunctional Family, Family, Gen, Holidays, Moral Ambiguity, Morally Ambiguous Character, Neighbors, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Sports, Suburbia, Tragedy/Comedy, Vignette
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-03 19:34:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5304026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoofyGoldenGirl/pseuds/GoofyGoldenGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>The Olsons are one of the wealthiest families in Riverside. A successful business man, the perfect housewife, five children, they have it all. But no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. No one knows that they've been falling apart for years. No one noticed, and it all lead to <strong>this </strong></em>
  <br/>
  <em>A tragicomedy Thor comics AU </em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flames

#### May 2026 

The sirens blared as the entire street gathered in front of the burning house. Firefighters rushed in, out, and around 16 Cherry Lane, hosing it down with spurts of water. But it was no use; a grave of ashes piled up where the proud house once stood.

The police moved in with full force after the firefighters. They tackled somebody to the ground.

“I can’t believe this,” a concerned neighbor gasped as she watched the arrest happen. “The Olsons of all people. Who would have thought?”

“Oh Terry,” A sixty one year old Helen said as she glanced back at the scene. “I can’t believe you’re that stupid. This was going to happen eventually.”


	2. Laura's First Birthday

#### January 23 2011 

Laura, the youngest addition to the Olson family was born on January 23, 2010. She was conceived in a hotel room in Florida where mom, Fiona and dad, Charles had on the advice of their therapist to take a healing vacation to deal with Charles’ many extramarital affairs, drinking problem, and occasional cocaine use. This wouldn’t be big news, except that her older siblings: Brad, Angie, Todd, and Luke, were in their teens and early twenties.

“Happy Birthday Laura!” Fiona exclaimed as she picked her up from the crib. The baby stared at her mother with the baby blank face look, unable to comprehend what a birthday was just yet.

Her father filmed the scene on a camera.

“Aw isn’t she so cute?” He remarked.

Fiona began to walk out of the nursery.

“We’ve got a special breakfast for you darling!”

Laura made a gurgling sound.

Charles followed them into the hallway and down the stairs. He pointed the camera straight at the kitchen and focused on the table. There sat their three older children who still lived with them: nineteen year old Angie, seventeen year old Todd, and fifteen year old Luke.

“Happy Birthday Laura!” They exclaimed. 

Todd was in a bad mood because his girlfriend Janie O Brien broke up with him on Friday, but he made an attempt to perk up.

“Oh look at that,” Fiona cooed as she set Laura down in the highchair. “Bananas and oatmeal! Such a good breakfast for such a big girl.”

Everybody put on the biggest, fake grin they could. 

“And guess who’s coming too? Can you guess?”

Laura had become invested in one of the banana slices.

“Your big brother Brad!”

Brad was twenty- two and living in the city. He worked at law firm thanks to dad’s good connections.

“I hope he’s not bringing Nat-a-lee,” Luke piped up.

“Luke,” Charles said through his teeth.

“I’m bringing somebody too you know,” Angie chimed in.

No one paid attention to her.

“Say bye-bye to the camera,” Fiona told Laura.

The baby stuffed the banana slice in her mouth and reached for another.

Charles stopped filming.

“Can I go back to sleep?” Luke whined.

“It’s your sister’s birthday,” Fiona said as she spooned a bit of oatmeal into Laura’s mouth.

“We already got the thing done, it’s eight in the morning. I need my sleep.”

“Luke you’re so inconsiderate,” Fiona said sternly. 

“Luke just listen to mom,” Todd told him.

“Shut up Todd,” Luke said.

“Luke!” Charles exclaimed. “Apologize to your brother.”

“Sorry dumbass,” Luke muttered.

“Did you just call me a dumbass?” Todd was angry.

“Can you two just shut up?” Angie sighed.

“Not in front of the baby!” Fiona exclaimed.

“What? She doesn’t understand yet,” Todd defended himself.

Laura was playing with her mashed bananas. Fiona turned to feed her.

“I’m going back up,” Todd said. He pushed in his chair and started towards the hallway.

“Ok then,” Fiona said.

“Oh, so you’re letting Todd go up but not _me?_ ” Luke protested. 

“Um. I have homework to do,” Angie excused herself.

Charles nodded as he picked up the paper. Luke saw his chance to leave the kitchen. He had just one foot out the door when his father said:

“You stay right where you are.”

Charles’ cellphone rang.

“Hang on, it’s work. I gotta take this,” he quickly left the room.

Luke groaned.  
****************  
The party started at twelve- thirty, when the doorbell rang to reveal the first two guests: Brad and his girlfriend of seven years, Natalie.

“Where’s my sister?” Brad cheerfully asked. Fiona handed Laura over to him.

“Hiiii Laura,” he exclaimed. “You are so cute!”

She giggled. So did Natalie.

“Hey there,” it was Natalie’s turn to hold Laura.

Todd and Luke made a face as they watched on from the staircase. Luke made his way back upstairs before Brad and Natalie could see him. Todd wasn’t as lucky.

“Heey! Bro!” Brad waved.

Todd faked a smile and headed over.

The sound of the garage door closing came from downstairs. Angie had arrived with her guest, Sara, a more than close friend from college. They walked up the basement door hand in hand and quickly let go once Charles was in their sight.

“Oh yeah—you’re—you’re,” He obviously did not remember who Sara was. He snapped his fingers as he spoke.

“Sara, Dad,” Angie said.

“Hi,” Sara reintroduced herself for the fourth time. “I’m Angie’s friend.”

For friends, they were standing awfully close together.

“You’re not in that confounded German class of hers are you?” Charles asked.

“Dad,” Angie hissed. “Come on,” she nudged Sara. “Party’s just getting started.”

“Dude, I can’t believe your sister’s already one,” Sara tried to change the subject. “Man, I remember when you called me from the hospital to tell me that she was just born.”

“Yeah,” Angie smiled. “That day was pretty crazy.”

“I bet. I was thinking of coming over to the hospital with a pizza so you guys could like eat. But they kept me overtime for rehearsal.” 

“Don’t say that. Lunch out the day after made up for everything,” Angie said.

They giggled. Their hands brushed again and they went into the living room. 

The living room was decorated with pink balloons and streamers. A white banner hung from the ceiling that read _Baby’s First Birthday_ in pink letters. Fiona’s late 80s party mix played from the stereo. She rushed in, placed a few plates on the table, all the while talking to the caterer on the phone and holding Laura.

“I asked for salmon fillet _and_ the roast beef,” she said in a frustrated tone. “I cannot have a party without having both on my table. If you don’t show up within thirty minutes, I will ask for my money back. Angie, hold the baby,” Fiona handed Laura over to Angie, not even noticing that she had a guest.

The two young women glanced from mother to child.

“Hey there,” Sera waved. Laura giggled.

Brad had Todd cornered on the far side of the room. They politely chatted about SPORTS all the while Natalie dangled on Brad’s arm. The conversation was starting to get heated due to differing opinions on some team or other. Luke was hiding up in the room he and Todd had shared since they were born. Charles had excused himself to take his third phone call that day.

Finally, Fiona called everyone for present time. They all sat down on the carpet, in a circle. Fiona held Laura in her lap. Angie leaned against Sara. Brad and Natalie held hands. Todd and Luke gave each other the stink eye. The camera was up and ready and Fiona began to make the intro speech, when Charles’ cell rang yet _again._

“Work,” he dashed out of the room. 

There was an awkward silence as Charles’ loud voice echoed from the hallway:

“Hey Scott!...Aw man I forgot to tell you but I have family stuff… Yeah, yeah, it’s my daughter’s birthday…Yeah, yeah, she’s one…Definitely will be catching the game when I can though, can’t miss that! Who’s gonna be there? …Bob?.. Tim?.. Is Jerry bringing the beer?...Yeah, yeah see you at work tomorrow! See ya!”

He walked back in as if nothing had happened.

“Presents!” He tried to liven up the already tense mood.

Brad was the first one to give his present.

“I picked it out especially for you!” He bopped Laura on the nose. 

Fiona helped Laura pull off the gift wrap. She opened a box and took out a baby mobile meant for newborns.

“Oh Brad,” Fiona tried to find something polite to say. “This is—“

“She’s too old for that,” Angie was more straightforward. 

Luke and Todd snorted.

“Well she’ll like it anyway, right Laura?” Fiona rubbed Laura’s golden curls.

Laura had already grabbed onto the mobile. She tried to put the nearest piece in her mouth.

“My turn!” Angie gave the present, something small and squishy, nicely wrapped over to Laura. “Happy Birthday!”

With mama’s help, Laura eagerly took to the doll dressed up as a princess.

“I hope this doesn’t have anything to do with your stupid history major,” Charles grumbled.

“Charles,” Fiona defended her daughter. “Not everyone does well in math.”

Angie looked over at her siblings.

“Beat that,” she challenged Luke and Todd.

Luke and Todd glared at her. Even well -mannered Brad jealously glanced over at her before giving his high school sweetheart a lovey- dovey look.

“This is my present Laura!” Todd handed out something blob shaped that was poorly gift wrapped.

Fiona helped Laura unwrap Todd’s gift. The baby reached out to grab onto…a football.

Todd was a star football player on the high school football team at St.RichinsMcrichins, the private 6-12 school that all the rich kids in Riverside went to. Sports, particularly football, made up most of his life.

“Todd, she might be a little young for a football,” Fiona smiled.

“Todd,” Angie couldn’t believe her eyes.

“Todd that’s so stupid. She can’t even walk,” Luke said.

“It’s not stupid!” Todd shouted. “You’ll never understand Luke!”

“I totally agree,” Brad backed him up. “She might do powderpuff.”

Angie and Luke groaned. 

“Happy Birthday sis!” Luke handed over his present, something hard and rectangular, that was just as badly wrapped as Todd’s.

Fiona opened it. It was a homemade CD labeled _*** *MCR! ***_

After nearly three years of pleading, Luke was finally allowed to go to see My Chemical Romance in concert as an early birthday present back in November. However since that day, Luke’s already intolerable My Chemical Romance obsession that dated back to when he was eleven, skyrocketed.

“What’s MCR?” Fiona read, confused.

“Oh my god Luke!” Todd exclaimed. “You are such a loser.”

“Unlike a freaking football, that we already have five million of, she can actually appreciate this!” Luke defended himself.

“Come on Luke, they have three good songs, and the rest are all mediocre,” Angie pointed out. 

“Same with Britney,” Luke shot back.

“You shut up about Britney!” Angie exclaimed. “She’s a pop icon!”

“Who even likes Britney crazy Spears anymore? Eminem’s the real freaking deal,” Todd jumped into the argument.

“You all are wrong! Taylor Swift is a goddess,” Brad piped up.

Todd, Angie, and Luke glared at him.

“Ewww,” they all said in unison.

“Don’t judge him,” Natalie chuckled, failing to notice after all these years that the siblings never jokingly teased.

“Can you four stop it?” Fiona sighed. She attempted to smile. “And now for the last gift—Charles?”

He had disappeared _again._

Fiona passed over Laura to Todd. She got up without a word and stormed out of the living room. All was quiet. Then loud shouts were heard:

“What the hell Charles? It’s your daughter’s birthday!” 

“This is a conference call!”

“You always pull this shit!”

Taking advantage of the tension, Luke and Todd started to argue about the status of their room:

“Why don’t you clean your shit up?”

“Because it’s not my shit, it’s _yours._ ”

“You’re the one who never cleans.”

“Well you don’t get rid of stupid shit from when we were kids!”

Angie buried her face in her hands. Sara put an arm around her and held her close. Brad had the dopiest grin on his face.

“I love my family!” Brad exclaimed as he pulled Natalie in.

Laura’s crying stopped everything.

“Oh,” Todd glanced down at the baby he didn’t even realize was on his lap. “Oh, oh Laura, don’t cry, don’t cry.”

He started to make funny faces to cheer her up.

“Here!” Angela, pulled away from Sara and grabbed the doll. “Look Laura! Look at the dollie!” She waved it about.

“Maybe give it to her?” Sara suggested. 

Luke started to sing _The Wheels On The Bus_ in the best Gerard Way voice he could. Brad sat awkwardly with Natalie, not sure what to do.

The commotion caught her attention. Laura stopped crying. A few seconds passed and then she started to laugh.

Todd and Luke sighed. Brad and Natalie let out awws. Relieved, Angie leaned in and kissed Sara on the lips.

Charles and Fiona walked in. Charles gasped.

The two young women broke apart. Another tense silence fell upon the room.

“Angie,” the color had gone from her father’s face. His eyes were wide.

“Dad,” Angie said slowly in a low voice. “There’s a reason that you, Brad, and Todd, didn’t know about this, but I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Sara’s my girlfriend.”

Brad and Todd’s jaws dropped. 

“You have a girlfriend?” Todd was confused.

“You’re _gay?_ ” Brad asked, shocked.

Natalie automatically yanked him back and whispered something to him in a low voice.

Charles opened his mouth:

“So…you’re like Luke?”

“No dad. I knew I was gay long before Luke realized that he wasn’t straight,” Angie explained.

“I hate labels man,” Luke piped up.

The doorbell rang.

“The caterer!” Fiona went to get the door.

Laura let out a goo.

Charles faced the family yet again:

“Who wants to eat?” He said enthusiastically.


	3. LAX Is A Religion

Brad was eight years old when he found god in the form of a lacrosse stick and ball.

It was like a rite of passage for young northern New Jersey boys to get their first lacrosse stick. It mattered even more than football, which was huge since New York had The Giants. Lacrosse was sacred in a way that was different from football. It was a child’s sport that no one picked up after high school, but every single boy had to have some experience with the game. 

Weekends he and his buds would go out in the backyard and play LAX, honing their skills for when they could try out for REAL TEAMS. 

Sixth grade at St. RichinMcrichins, he got onto the middle school lacrosse team. He was wicked player and by the eighth grade, was allowed to join the high school team. By junior year of high school, he had become captain. Offseason, he played hockey in the winter which he enjoyed just as much.

Brad lived for fall. LAX practices every single Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday with games on Saturday or Sunday. Going to get subs and half and halfs at the deli with his bros after each practice. Coach Santers’ motivational speeches before each game, ending it always with _Kick their ass boys!_. Carrying his lacrosse sticks everywhere he went. Covering his car with LAX bumper stickers. Tossing the lacrosse ball at his bros each time they passed each other in the hallways. How he spent so much time on game-plans and strategy as Captain, leading their team to victory for two years in a row.

He was so damn good that the scouts from RUTGERS, wanted him on their team. And he would have gotten THE POSITION if it weren’t for, FUCKING MR. PETERSON WHO FAILED HIM IN ENGLISH CLASS.

He ended up going to A MOTHER FUCKING COMMUNITY COLLEGE for the first two years before transferring into RUTGERS. Yeah, he played on the lacrosse club but it wasn’t the same as ACTUALLY PLAYING ON AN _ACTUAL_ FUCKING LACROSSE TEAM.

As a twenty something year old with his first job, there was no time for lacrosse. Sure he kept in shape by running in central park, and lifting at the gym, but lacrosse was his first love. And all his old buds were scattered all across the country and his new pals didn’t play the game. He couldn’t wait for the day he would have a son so he could go out and enjoy the wonders of LAX.

His devotion to all things sports related, especially LAX, could not have been possible if it weren’t for Charles.

At the tender age of five, right before father and son went to go toss the pigskin back and forth on a crisp fall afternoon, Charles gave him the big talk about TEAM SPORTS.

“Son,” Charles placed a hand on his shoulder. “One day, you will make your first team. You will find yourself enticed by the many options there are, but luckily for you my boy, I will guide you. You must play at least _one_ of THE HOLY TRINITY OF FOOTBALL, LACROSSE, AND BASEBALL. They are true American pastimes and God created them for a reason. They will help you become a _man._ Now, there are other good sports to play offseason, but nothing comes close to THE THREE. But son, whatever you do, NEVER EVER PLAY SOCCER. SOCCER IS FOR DELINQUENTS AND GIRLS, AND WILL TURN YOU GAY.”

“Daddy what’s gay?” Brad asked.

“Just listen to me,” Charles said. “I’m not done yet. I have yet to teach you Brad.”

Charles was a prime example of the ultimate sports dad. When business, or ESPN, or other fatherly duties didn’t take up his time, he went to Todd and Brad’s games every weekend. He always sat in the front row of the bleachers, cheering them on, sipping beer of out of St. RichinMcRichins water bottle, and heckling the opposing team with colorful language. He donated lots of money to the athletic department at St. RichinMcRichins, and even treated Brad and Todd’s teams out for dinner after major games. He even attended Angie’s soccer games, but that was ok since soccer was a girl’s game, and watching soccer was ok if it was either Angie’s games or the World Cup. However, when she was in sixth grade, Charles Oscar Olson was permanently banned from attending all of Angie’s middle school games when he got into an argument with one of the coaches and dropped the S and F bomb multiple times. The same coach was the coach of the high school soccer team Angie’s freshman year and the ban carried over by default. Charles made it his goal to get said coach fired. He had a plan to place some of his cocaine stash in the coach’s office to get her kicked out, but it nearly backfired when a ninth grader caught him wandering about the girls’ locker room. He then paid even more money to the administration to keep them quiet about the whole affair. 

Brad put it on himself to be the perfect example of a sportsman for his younger siblings. When Todd was eight, Brad gave him a lesson in the ways of lacrosse. Todd was an athletic child and quickly caught on. When sixth grade rolled around, Todd had expressed an interest in football, and chose it over lacrosse.

Although Brad joined football himself, he was a bit disappointed that his brother hadn’t followed in his footsteps. But he was glad that they shared a love of hockey, and sports in general.

Angie’s sports tastes didn’t matter to Brad. She was a girl. She liked soccer. Soccer was for girls. And gay.

Luke was a failure in Brad’s eyes. Luke hated sports. He and Todd’s attempts to guide him into the world of manhood proved useless. The only thing he was good at was playing catch, which was for babies, and ice- skating. Ice- skating without a hockey stick was for girls. And gay.

Every few weeks, Brad would take the train out and spend the weekend so he could see Todd play during football season. Sitting in the bleachers next to mom, shouting encouraging words, all bundled up in five million scarves, with the squirming baby in a snowsuit on her lap. His dad: still doing the same old routine of beer and insults after all these years. Angie: who tried to fake an interest in the game, and an openly bored Luke who dozed off after the marching band played, Brad felt a twinge of jealously as he saw Todd run on the field. He missed high school. He’d do anything to go back.


	4. Helen

Helen moved to Cherry Lane in the fall of ‘95. To say she was an odd woman was an understatement. She was nothing like Riverside had seen before.

Years later, people still talked about the day she moved in. A 1993 black Lexus pulled up in the driveway of 24 Cherry Lane, blaring _Mr. Self Destruct_ by Nine Inch Nails. She stepped out, dressed all in black. Deep red lipstick popped out against her pasty white skin and an obscene amount of eyeliner covered her eyes. Her long raven hair was tied up in a bun, her fingernails were painted a blood red to match her lips, and a cross choker dangled around her neck.The movers went back and forth from the truck, taking out copies of Renaissance paintings that depicted the horrors of hell, a poster of a pentagram, what appeared to be an actual Chucky doll, and a mounted goat's head, along with the usual boxes. Black curtains were placed at every window. A strange wooden star hung above the front door. There were whispers about what the _inside_ of her house might contain.

Then the town found out that she worked at the morgue on Elm Street. 

The rumors spread quickly. Some said she was a vampire who slept in a coffin and drank dead people’s blood. Others, that she kept the unidentified bodies from the morgue in a freezer in her basement for nefarious purposes. That she was a, gasp, lesbian. Or that she worshipped, double gasp, Satan.

But nevertheless, Helen was tolerated. She had an important role to play in the community besides preparing the dead for an eternity of nothingness. She was the main distributor of a prized party buzz called cocaine, the vice of all businessmen everywhere. Many affluent community members were seen at her house to obtain the powdered sugar lookalike, including one Charles Oscar Olson.

One day, a strange visitor came to her door. A thirteen- year old girl; with long curly red hair, still in her St. RichinsMcRichins school uniform of a red sweater and black skirt, who lived up the block.

“You’re a lesbian right?” Angie asked.

Helen sternly gazed down at her.

“And why would you want to know child?” She asked in that mysterious voice that gave everyone the creeps.

“Because—I think I’m a lesbian too.”

Helen’s gaze softened as she saw the confused and pained look on Angie’s face.

“Do tell,” she remarked. “Tell me child. Are you attracted to women and only women?”

Angie nodded.

“Are your thoughts and dreams about them and only them?”

Angie nodded again.

“Do you see yourself in the far off future with a woman by your side?”

Angie blinked back tears.

“Then, you are a lesbian,” Helen told her. “Simple as that. Wait.”

She went back into the house and came back with a platter of cookies.

“Take one,” she held the platter of chocolate cookies out to Angie.

Angie took one and nibbled at it.

“But is it right?” She whimpered.

“Child,” Helen started. “What you feel in your heart is just as true as any romantic sentiment other people have. Attraction is attraction simple as that. Sure there are zombies out there who only want to dominate viewpoints with their limited thinking, but you must not let them get to you. You have to be strong child and believe in yourself. I could go on but I have a séance I have to attend.”

She handed the platter to Angie.

“Bring the platter back when you’re done and next time we’ll talk,” Helen called out. “Oh and tell your father his pickup will be ready on Friday.”

“You promise not to tell anyone,” Angie asked.

“Oh don’t worry child. I can keep more than just the secrets of the dead,” Helen said. “Run along now before this encounter raises more suspicion.”

Thus began the unofficial therapy sessions with Helen that lasted well until Angie was full grown and on her own. Every other week, Angie would bring all that troubled her and tell it all to Helen for an hour. No more, no less. Helen would listen silently as she went about her chores in the house, or sorted out business for her legal and illegal work. A plate of cookies and tea were always placed on the coffee table for Angie. Angie made the most of her sessions: from straight up ranting to shouting and sobbing and smashing her tea mug on the nearest available surface in the extreme cases. Helen did nothing to stop her, not even to console her. Affection, she claimed was for the weak. But there were three times in Angie’s memory where she let down her guard and showed that she cared. They were small gestures, but meant more to Angie, who was used to day in and day out phoniness from the world around her.

After twenty -one years, Helen retired from the morgue and moved to London. It was a lifelong dream of hers to move to the UK and the money she saved up from her job and selling cocaine and other stimulants covered her for the rest of her life. No one heard from her since.


	5. The David Bowie Impersonator

#### March 2011

It was a cold March afternoon when the David Bowie Impersonator arrived in town.

Todd ran into the kitchen. Angie and Luke sat at the table, doing or pretending to do homework.

“David Bowie moved in across the street!” He exclaimed.

“What?”

They peered out the window at the house across the street. On the lawn stood a man, poorly dressed for the weather. His long blonde hair fell over his shoulders like a waterfall. He was clad in a white suit, exposing his thin bare chest to the world.

“Todd, that’s not David Bowie,” Angie told him. She squinted. “Is he?”

“But man he’s good,” Luke nodded. “I mean, that’s like a perfect replica of The Thin White Duke.”

The David Bowie Impersonator raised his hands and waved his fingers at them. He manically grinned as he did so.

The three siblings jumped back from the window. 

“Does he act like that too?"

"I guess?"

To be safe, the three teenagers left the living room.  
*****************************************************  
As soon as she heard there was a new neighbor on her street, Fiona, as she did always, baked her double chocolate deluxe welcome brownies, placed them in a baking tin, and went over across the street. She rang once. No answer. Again. No answer. She was about to leave when the door opened.

“Hi!” She cheerfully exclaimed. “I’m Fiona Olson from across the street! I see you just moved in.”

The David Bowie Impersonator locked his eyes on the brownies.

“These are for—“

Not David Bowie grabbed the tin. With wide eyes he stared right at Fiona and slammed the door shut. 

“Oh,” she said.

Three days had passed. The David Bowie Impersonator had not returned the tin. In suburbia, this was considered to be bad manners. Fiona made her frustration be known.

“Then why don’t you just go over and ask for it back?” Angie asked her as she looked up from her phone.

“Angie, you don’t understand, that man gives me the heebie jeebies,” Fiona picked up Laura from the playpen and started towards the hallway.

“Well, yeah, he’s weird, but—“

“Oh my god!”

Luke and Todd crowded by the living room window. Fiona, Angie, and Laura joined them to find that The David Bowie Impersonator was riding a sled, which was attached to five dogs, and was attempting to make his way down the street. He screamed _mush_ _mush_ and mimed whipping them with a leash.

“Jesus Christ!” Fiona exclaimed.

“Ush!” Laura clapped her hands. “Ush!”

The teenagers laughed. 

Charles met the new neighbor at Helen’s house. He was snorting cocaine off of a guitar in the living room where Helen dealt her trade.

“Oh Charles,” she said. “You’ve met—“

But Charles could not hear what she said. He stared at the strange man, whose hair and face was covered in the substance. In between snorts, his tongue flickered out to lick the powdery spoon. He then attempted to balance it on his nose as he glanced down, crossed eyed and blood shot, cackling all the while.

Then he realized that Charles was in the room.

“Hey man,” The David Bowie Impersonator stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked on it before addressing him. “What is up in this cold and broken world? Life is meaningless.” His teeth chattered.

“Life is dull…Pagey’s gonna get it some day…Pagey’s a Martian…Ground control to Major Tom…We are just energizer bunnies that keep on going and going until our batteries run dry. We are war machines…Take your protein pills and put your helmet on… War keeps the humans going and going and going… The Martians are coming. And they will hallow us into our grave.”

Charles hightailed it out of Helen’s house, not even bothering to pick up his fill. He ran and ran until he reached the safety of his house and locked the door. He let out a deep breath and unloosened his tie.

Then Angie approached him.

“Dad? Can you give me some money?” Angie asked. “I’m going out with my friends tomorrow and I wanna donate for Japan.”

“Da! Da!” Baby Laura toddled over to him. She reached out so he could pick her up.

“Dad! Todd’s being annoying!” Luke was suddenly in his face.

“Dad! Luke is bothering me again!” Todd shoved Luke.

“Up!” Laura tugged at his pants leg. “Up!”

“Oh honey you’re home,” Fiona walked in.

“Dad did you even hear me?” Came Angie’s voice. “I need money for tomorrow.”

“How was your day?”

“Dad?”

“Ug? Ug?”

“Luke's being a pain in the ass!”

“Dad!”

“No, Todd is!”

“Up! Up!”

“Can you do me a big favor?” His wife asked. “Can you go over to the creepy neighbor’s house and ask for my tin back?”

He snapped.

“No!” Charles shouted. “Stop it! All of you just _stop_ it! Get out of my fucking way!”

With a bottle of scotch in hand, Charles secluded himself in the den and turned on ESPN. He tried to forget, but the scotch did not work its miracles this time.  
***************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
A week passed. Fiona had her closest friends Gloria and Isabel over for their weekly meet-up. They sat in the kitchen, conversing about the latest gossip over coffee.

“Now I don’t think she’d stoop so low as to buy a new pair of jeans from Walmart,” Fiona said. “But when I saw her at---“

There was a rapping at the window. Gloria spit out her coffee. Isabel let out a shout as she jolted in her seat.

“Oh my god who is that guy?” She lived a street over from Fiona. Their daughters were the same age and they had met when they were just in kindergarten.

“It’s the crazy guy across the street,” Gloria lived next door and had been friends since the Olsons moved in the neighborhood back in ‘93. “Oh god, what he is doing?”

The David Bowie Impersonator was staring at them through the window. He held up the brownie tin. It had been dented.

“My tin!” Fiona exclaimed.

The David Bowie Impersonator did a strange dance and then he leapt out of sight.

The doorbell rang. Fiona stood up, shaken.

“Ladies give me strength,” she took their hands and squeezed it.

“You are a brave woman Fiona,” Gloria told her.

“We’ll be right here in case he attacks,” Isabel assured her.

Fiona slowly made her way to the front door. She opened it. The David Bowie Impersonator blinked before handing her the tin.

“Thank you for returning this,” Fiona said as calmly as she could.

He held a finger up.

“I have decided to repay your kindness. This is for you.”

He pulled out a brown lunch bag from his jacket pocket. It was crinkled and had a couple of dark brown stains on it.

“Oh thank you,” Fiona feigned gratitude as she took it. She opened it a peek. Her hands shook. She screamed.

It was a dead squirrel.

“One of my bitches caught it just for you,” The David Bowie Impersonator told her.

The bag fell on the welcome mat. Still screaming, Fiona rushed back into the house, not even bothering to close the door. Gagging noises were heard. Not David Bowie quizzically tilted his head and glanced at the scene. He then turned and skipped back to his home.


	6. How Luke Olson Singehandedly Ruined The Middle School Christmas Concert

#### December 2007

Chorus was an option at St.RichinMcRichins which Luke took until high school. He was the only one in the family with any musical talent, which meant that attendance at his concerts was mandatory.

So on a Thursday night at 7:30 pm, a tired and overworked Charles, an overly cheery Fiona, a bored Todd and Angie, and Luke’s friend Leah Hartman (just as creepy as her aunt Helen) all sat in the second row and watched as the thirty or so members filed onto the risers. An hour of Christmas tunes, (the petition to add a couple of Hanukkah songs was denied by the teacher) sung by a group of kids who couldn’t carry a tune for their life, gangly limbed boys with elongated and zit covered faces that brayed like donkeys once they hit the high notes, and about three or four exceptionally good singers, awaited them.

Brad got off Scott free due to finals. He might have been lying.

Charles started to doze off as soon as the first song began. Fiona nudged him and hissed under her breath that he had to stay awake or that their reputation might be ruined. The rival family that lived two houses down from them, The Jones’ had their two sons preforming in the concert.

“Just look at them! Look at them smiling and sitting on the edge of their seats! Do you want them to see us like _this?_ ”

Angie muttered something about how _Baby It’s Cold Outside_ was about date rape and wondered why the hell would they let a bunch of middle schoolers sing such an inappropriate _and_ disgusting song. She was sushed by both parents.

Todd tried to text his friends but was shot down by mom. He then tried to get up to use “the bathroom” but was denied access by dad who was determined to make everyone feel just as grumpy as he was.

Leah stared ahead with the same stoic look she always wore. No one knew if she liked the concert or not and could care less.

Then came the finale: The _Christmas Canon_ , sung by six very lucky students, two from each grade. Luke was one of them.

“Yay Luke!” Fiona clapped as they stepped out, trying to outclap the Jones who were cheering on their eighth grader Aiden. The rest of her family followed her lead. 

The pianist played the intro. The chorus teacher waved his hands to cue them in. They began to sing:

_This night we pray_   
_Our lives will show_   
_This dream he had_   
_Each child still knows_

They were the best of the best in the chorus. Those who had feigned interest the whole evening suddenly perked up.

The round part of the canon began. A beautiful resonant melody filled the auditorium and for a moment, the Olsons were genuinely interested in the chorus.  
 _He had_  
 _This night, we pray_  
 _Our lives_  
 _Our lives will show_

Since Luke was one of the smaller students he had been placed towards the center. He nearly had his eyes squeezed tight due to the heavy spot lighting that shone down on them. He squirmed about; resisting an urge to scratch an inch on his arm.

_He had_   
_This dream, he had/ When I was a young boy_   
_Our lives_   
_Each child still knows / My father, took me into the city_

It was so quiet that no one noticed it at first. Everyone in the Olson family were yanked out of their five seconds of bliss as they tried to figure out why the strange lyrics were so familiar. With a horrified expression, Fiona suddenly realized that it was that god forsaken song that Luke kept playing in the car.

“Oh god,” she buried her face in her hands, absolutely mortified. 

“Oh my god,” Angie sighed. “Please don’t tell me he’s—“

“It’s that emo crap!” Todd groaned.

The rest of the audience finally caught on. The whispers of _Did you hear that?_ _What is that?_ and _Oh my god did someone just say damn?_ floated about. Parents leaned out in their seats with a hand on their ear, trying to figure out what on earth was that noise. The conductor scanned his pupils, both soloists and choir, unable to catch the culprit. Sweat dripped down his brow, his hand turned a deep red from gripping the baton so hard. And Luke gave no indication that he was the guilty one, except for the occasional smirk as he dropped a lyric from _Welcome To The Black Parade_

Fiona turned her attention to the door, trying to see if she could slip out without anyone noticing. Todd and Angie were making a game out of the spectacle by trying to see how many times the extra lyric happened. Charles had begun to fume. His whole face turned purple. He made a fist. His whole body tensed up. Then, his knees bent, he leaned forward, and was on his feet, his hands balled up so tightly that his nails dug into his skin, as his mouth opened and he bellowed:

“Dammit Luke! Cut it **out!** ” 

Everyone in the audience turned towards him. They were not amused. Fiona quickly pulled him down and started to shout at him. Todd and Angie then began to berate their father for ruining the fun. The teacher hastily signaled at the soloists to not stop:

_He had_   
_This dream/ We’ll carry on, we’ll carry on_   
_On this night, on this night, on this very Christmas night_   
_He had/Although you’re dead and gone believe me_   
_On this night, on this night, on this very Christmas night_   
_Our lives/ Your memory will carry on_   
_Each child/ We’ll carry on, we’ll carry on_   
_On this night, on this night, on this very Christmas night_   
_Still knows/ And though you’re broken and defeated, your weary widow marches on_

Silence. The teacher turned and bowed, on the verge of tears. His knees shook and it looked like he was about to fall from the podium. Leah was the only one who clapped. 

After the concert, Charles and Fiona did not stop for the usual chit -chat with the other parents. They dragged their children plus one out to the parking lot. They couldn’t help but make a face as they passed the Jones. The parents: Adam and Jennifer and the youngest Caitlin congratulating Aiden and Jayden for a job well done. It seemed like all five of them were about to wave in unison at the Olsons when Charles literally began to push his family into the SUV. 

Everyone in the family gave Luke the cold shoulder. He still was grinning ear to ear from the prank he pulled.

Just as they were about to go into the car, Leah turned towards him.

“You killed it man,” she said, smiling for the first time that night.

“Thanks,” he smiled back.

They did their not so secret handshake: pounding their fists together and twisting them, wiggling their fingers, placing one fist on top of another, a high five, clasped hands, and a semi hug like thing.

On the way home, Luke and Leah sat in the back seat listening to Luke’s ipod. They sang along out loud to _Welcome To The Black Parade_ about three times, even when everyone shouted at them to shut up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Happy Holidays everyone!_


End file.
